Is Integration Worth it?

Is integration/healing worth it? Interesting. Are the difficulties of pregnancy and labor worth the beautiful child that I freely planned and chose to have? Yes. Were the difficulties of being married, rearing children and earning two college degrees worth it? Yes, because I was given the freedom to plan and choose to work to achieve the degrees.

Is anything that I get to plan, decide upon, and then pursue, 'worth it'?

I believe so. Integration was my choice, my goal, my plan. Others worked with me to achieve it, but I chose to do it. Previously, in my earlier life, I was not allowed to choose anything for myself. I was told what I would and would not do.

Everything that is profitable is not always pleasant. Everything that seems pleasant is not always profitable.

I have three non-MPD, non-in-counseling friends. They say they see a big difference in me and they liked me before, as a multiple. They even liked me before counseling. Now, we really have pleasant times. They have all let me stay at their house during the day for safety. So they have supported me at my best and at my worst.

I am very happy to be at the end of all this. For me, it has been worth it. Forty-plus years as a multiple were difficult. Being "normal" will also have its difficulties. However, I now have the rest of my life to live as a single individual, expending my energies doing things I've only previously hoped and dreamed of doing, instead of expending my energy switching, covering up for my memory lapses, etc.

Some days, I feel fear of having a relapse. I suppose that's similar to the fears and feelings of an alcoholic, but I try to not live my life dictated by fear.

Written by Connie P., published in Many Voices in August 1999.
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